Truly Misunderstood

I realized, this pregnancy thing comes with a whole new set of rules. I think many people feel that when a woman becomes pregnant she automatically feels this euphoric feeling, especially if her life is what many would envy. But I disagree.

This past weekend I was asked by an acquaintance if I was excited about the pregnancy yet. As I have done to date, I was nothing short of honest. I said "no, not really." What purpose would it serve to say yes, when I knew it to be a lie. The looks I received from those around me and the quiet that ensued thereafter made me second guess my decision, but only for a split second. I make no apologies for feeling the way I do.

I wish people would stop being so judgmental and misunderstanding. If we live in a world where we walk in Christian love, judgment (which is oftentimes in error) would decrease greatly. Of course I talked to my husband about it later and he thought people would think our marriage was in trouble. That thought never even crossed my mind, because it's so far from the truth and how I would think. I just think women assume every pregnant woman should be excited about the possibility of bringing another baby into this world.

Here's the deal if you are wondering why I am not excited. Fear. Plain and simple. I am a pessimist at heart who had a rough childhood that plagues me today. I do everything by making logical decisions and second-guessing myself. My worst fear is that my baby will not survive. My next worse fear is that he will survive and will have an illness I may have caused because I am not a health conscious person. And then I think, if all of that does not happen, then what if I suck as a mother.

See, ever since I went off to college, every decision I made was calculated with the ultimate goal of survival and success. I want to be perfect at all I do. (Yea, I know this will never happen, but at least I refuse to settle for anything). I like to be in control of my situation at all times. I am a thinker, I sometimes lack of emotion because it clogs my head. And here, God is making me responsible for a precious life. Yes, my husband is one in a million. He could be a poster guy for perfect husbands (sins his over the top cleanliness). But I never think about my support network because I am independent person who likes to maintain control. Plain and simple, I fear the unknown. This pregnancy, my baby.... it's all foreign and unknown to me.

I know, what about my Christian faith? I never professed to be perfect, just that I want to be perfect in all I do. This is one of my major downfalls in life. Trusting God to the fullest extent. But I take comfort in knowing that Christ will never leave me nor forsake me and I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.

I love Jeremy as much as a mother can love her child. I want the absolute best for him despite my fears and uncertainties. My lack of excitement does not deduce my love or concern for him. I just hope, that if you are a person who projects your thoughts and feelings about a certain subject or event onto others, you will stop and think about what you are really doing. (I am talking to myself as much as anyone out there that can relate to doing this) Let's lose the judgement and allow others to freely express themselves.

I am so happy to have an outlet to share these honest thoughts and feelings with others. I feel by doing so, more people will open up about their own experiences. Be it pregnancy or otherwise. One thing I know for certain, my son has changed my life in so many ways already. Despite what may happen, I know he is sent from God.

I will be back tomorrow with an update from our latest doctor's appointment. Let's hope I have gained some weight back :)!