Confidence

It is done! (Revelations 21:6)

I am happy to report that I have finally completed my thesis and will be graduating on May 15, 2010. If it were not for God's grace this would not be so. There is not a moment that I will not praise Him for allowing this to be. But even more important is my lesson of confidence, which I am happy to share with my son.

For years I understood that I lacked confidence. Yes, I understood that I was smart because I applied myself to the task at hand, but I was not naturally gifted. I had to study and memorize and study some more to understand concepts. What typically takes one person an hour to understand takes me half a day. I have to perfect everything that comes before me. And still, I lacked confidence. Until now.

I honestly believe I was meant to endure many trials during my last year in graduate school to help me become a better mother. How could I teach my son to be confident in himself if I lacked this characteristic myself?

I allowed certain people to get very close to hindering my graduation due to personal issues within themselves. For a LONG time I thought the problem was me, not them. Were I already confident in myself and my abilities this would have never happened. Instead, I allowed doubt and uncertainty to set in and almost discouraged me to the point I was planning to drop out. But GOD! Isn't God amazing?! Romans 8:28 states: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

(Who can stand in the way of God's will and purpose, not even me!)

How dare I doubt and ignore God's purpose and will? Who am I to do such a thing? I constantly thank God for showing me that no matter what I do, He is still God! I now know the devil is truly out to kill, steal, and destroy me! But God! God is there to build me up. He has already clothed me in His armor. I have nothing to fear. I am CONFIDENT in Him. Here is where my confidence lies. Isn't it amazing?! I am still in awe and praising God right now for being my God.

So, to my son, I pray you will learn that your confidence comes from your personal relationship with God. In Him, nothing can stand against you.

OK, so I am having a VERY difficult time focusing right now at work. Yes, I admit that I have not gotten much work done today. I have been so overly swamped with work, trying to finish the last leg of my thesis, and home life that my eyes can barely stay open. So I am trying to take a break to refocus. Maybe this will help because nothing else is. Besides, I have been negligent in my blog-writing duties lately.

As an update- I am finishing up the last chapter to my thesis TONIGHT!!! It should have been finished already but I was sick FOR A WEEK!!! Really not good with a new baby, full time job, and a thesis. But my doctor said my sickness was a result of all of my stress. I hope she's right because I am still not 100%.

Jerbear is absolutely wonderful. I am so in love with him it hurts my heart sometimes. I always tell him that there is only one other being that loves him more than me and that is God. Then I follow up with saying that I can almost imagine (because I will never fully know) how God feels about all of us. Isn't God wonderful?! Of course his Daddy loves him as much as me, but I can only speak of my love for him. It's really overwhelming sometimes. If you have kept up with my previous blogs you will understand why this is scary for me.

Bear (for short) will be SIX MONTHS (already!!!) this Wednesday. He definitely weighs more than 20 pounds. Loves to talk, yell (I like to say he is singing... he sings like his Mommy), play in his jungle (play pen) and eat. Oh my goodness does he eat. He eats solids twice a day now and drinks 6 oz. bottles. When he is eating his cereal with either fruit or veggies he follows that up with a bottle. Yes, we are taking donations for formula. LOL! He's breaking the bank for sure.

He is such a happy, easy going baby. He is sleeping throughout the night and falls asleep (generally) on his own. We, mostly me since I am the one that puts him to bed every night, did not have to go through the whole cry it out method. He knows our routine (eat food [usually cereal with some veggies]; get a bath; get dressed for bed while listening to gospel music and saying our ABC's, spelling his name, and saying the Lord's Prayer; read a book; and while drinking/eating [I never know how to describe this] his bedtime bottle say our night time prayers of thanks and solicitations to God). Again, such an easy going baby.

Early on in my blog I wrote one titled "Wishes for my son". I have been observing so much that grieves my heart lately and has me doing a lot of soul searching and thinking. So, I believe I will be writing a lot more of those. I hope to collect them and present them to him one day when he is much older. So, the next few blogs will be about wishes to my son..... Enjoy!

PS- This is a picture of Jeremy sleeping the other night. This is his new favorite position. Yes, his little bum-bum is sticking up in the air and he is snoring.... LOUDLY. LOL. Is he not totally adorable?!

The Adventures of Eating

Okay, I am wrapping up work on my thesis for the night and should be going to bed but had to share my adventures with Jerbear!
We have now entered the eating phase!!! Wow, was I not prepared. At his doctor's appointment last week he suggested we begin "introducing" Jeremy to solid foods. Not so much for him to get full, but to acquaint him with the spoon, and the concept of eating (I guess instead of drinking).
Now before this time I noticed my son beginning to stare at my food or his father's food as we ate. Little did I know he was recognizing that we were eating food. Color me stupid but the doctor confirmed this.
Ok, quick side note, we tested this theory (because you know me.... I don't believe until I can test it for myself or "see" it with my own eyes). I forget what I was eating but I decided to put it up to his mouth to see if he would open it. By Jolly George (hey, leave my sayings alone... you know I never get them right so I make them up), he opened his mouth!!! I could have picked my mouth up off the ground because I always thought this happened much later (and when I say much I mean at 1 years of age) in their intsy tintsy little lives. I see now that I am wrong, and never to taunt him with food I don't intend to give him ever again. Yes, you guessed it.... he became upset with us for doing that. NEVER again. Bad mommy reprimand. SN: It was still very funny to watch.
OK so on to our adventures of eating. You know how I refer to my son as a bear. Well the name fits! This little boy weighing in at 16 pounds (yes, I know exactly). He is in the 75th percentile- for those of you who are clueless as to what this means, it means only 25% of infants his age are bigger than he is. By Jolly George, no wonder my arm hurts so much.
OK, back on topic again....
So my Bear (and there is a literal context for this now :) ), is a terror when he eats. I mean terror in a good way. He LOVES his food. You would never guess this child had any problems at birth or spent an entire week in the hospital because of his low blood sugar and eating habits. See this takes me back to my premise that he was just afraid to go home with us that first week. He knew we needed so extra training :-D! Thanks Bear!
Ok, so our nights go like this....
10 pm- Mommy begins to make bottles and cleans the kitchen. He sits in his boppy entertaining himself and me
10:15 pm Mommy warms bottle for bed and prepares food
10:20 pm Mommy gets everything set up for bed and for the next day -- run his bath water, set out his clothes for the next day, turns back crib covers, turns on his gospel music and set up his classical music (this is what he sleeps to)
Note..... because he has watched Mommy prepare his bottles and food he is getting antsy... okay more like annoyed, but I have to watch him or he will really get annoyed
10:30 pm begin feeding Bear. Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm......... let's see he literally grabs at my hands for the spoon and tries to put the spoon in his mouth himself. I am never fast enough for him it seems. Is he really 4 months old or did I sleep through a few months of his life?! Though he appears clean before he begins to eat, he is totally clothed in his food by the end. But trust me, a great deal did end up in his stomach.
10:40 pm He has finished eating.... shouldn't it take longer than this? LOL When begin his bath
10:50pm He is dressed and eating his next bottle
11 pm He is in his crib falling asleep
11-1:15 pm... while working on my thesis.... I am rubbing my hands he has lovingly scratched while grabbing for his food.

So to end this .....
Gerber Rice Cereal $3
Baby Spoons $4
Bowl $2.50
Watching Jeremy enjoy his food.... absolutely PRICELESS!!!!!!

Life with Jeremy, His first snow day!!

Can you believe that four months and two days ago I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy?! As I was making his 6 OZ! bottles this morning I started laughing that an extra human being was living in our home. He "belonged" to us. I still have moments where I cannot believe God trusted me enough to be a mother. WOW, pretty remarkable.

I am not sure how big he is because his 4 month check up is next Monday. They don't offer 3 month check-ups for some reason. But after his 2-month check up I am happy. I needed some time to regroup after his breakdown due to all of the shots they gave him that day. I pray next Monday's appointment (or shall I say the day/night) goes better.

He really is developing nicely. I tell everyone what a true delight he is. He is such a happy and easy baby. He wakes up smiling and loves, loves, loves to laugh all of the time. He found his voice a few months back so he "talks" our heads off. He jabbers so much I really think he is holding on a real conversation in his head.

He was sleeping throughout the night, but as of last week that has stopped. YIKES!! I am sure it is due to a growth spurt. But I am now no longer using his swaddle to put him to sleep because he started getting heat bumps all over. So laying him on his back has been interesting. He still hates it. He woke up at 1:30 am this morning asking to sleep with Mommy and Daddy. By 4:30 am he was back in his crib. Yes, he transitioned to his crib two weeks ago. Maybe that has something to do with his recent sleep changes. I hope we figure this sleep thing out soon. I work on my thesis from the time he goes to sleep, about 10p until 1:30 am. Now if he wakes up an hour later and stays awake, when will I sleep?!?!?!? But he is SO worth it. Honestly I can't even complain because he is so wonderful.

As stated earlier, he now takes 6 oz. bottles. This is getting SO expensive. We are buying 32 oz boxes of formula a week. Those $5 coupons are not doing much justice. I wish there was a tax credit for this sort of stuff. But as long as he is grow healthy and happy we will continue to buy the "good stuff". I wonder if there really is a difference though.

On Friday night (January 29, 2010) North Carolina had its first real snow storm in years. We have been in the house since 7pm Friday night. We took pictures of Jeremy enjoying his first snow day. Well we tried to get him to enjoy it but he missed his nap time and it was his next eating time. So not too many smiles this go round.

Last night (Jan. 31st) he ate his first solid food..... rice cereal. If someone can tell me what that is, that would be nice. He LOVED it. He loves grabbing at things he enjoys, such as my cell phone, his bib, his cloth diaper, etc. He kept grabbing at his food and the spoon. I could not give it to him fast enough. I asked my husband to take a picture but the batteries in the camera died from the snow day pictures. Oh well...

I decided to take today off of work. This may sound silly to many but it is because I fear being hurt or dying on the road. Not because of any pain this will cause me, but because of the pain it may cause Jeremy. I grew up without my biological mother. This has left such a void in me I wish this hurt on no one. So I take every precaution I can to ensure I am here to raise him for the long haul. I do need to work on my diet and exercise though. But I realized that my driving has improved greatly, I don't stress as much (maybe I just stopped caring about things that use to bother me), and I am trying to be much less clumsy. I want him to grow up with both parents.

Today is the first day since I have returned to work that I am actually home with him and get to stay with him the entire day. I should add this past Saturday and Sunday as well. On Mondays and Wednesdays my older sister Regina takes care of him. Tuesdays and Thursdays my mother-in-law drives up from Fayetteville and takes care of him. This makes me so happy I cannot begin to explain. Friday his Daddy stays up (since it is the weekend) and watches him. Saturday his AuntMa has him and Sunday is usually his Aunt Shonda/Aunt Carolyn or someone else in church. Taking care of him at night, while cleaning, cooking, and working on my thesis is really fr the birds. I miss him and I know he misses me. Which is why it was so hard for me to transition him to his own room and his crib. It feels like I spend so little time with him now. But I enjoy every minute I can get in with him. We pray every morning and night, read, spell, talk, play on our tummy toy Mama King bought him for Christmas and the other toy Aunite Kym bought him. We have such a wonderful time together. All I can say is thank you God for your vision.

Until next time. I will post pics of our snow day in a separate post.

Jeremy Melvin 3 months old (15 weeks)

*** I completely forgot to post this one. Oooops, I have a lot going on. I will write a real update now!

Today Jeremy is 14 weeks old. He will turn 15 weeks tomorrow. Where has the time gone? I am amazed at how fast time is flying with him. Part of me wants to wish it will slow down so I don't miss anything, kind of like how I was on my wedding day and how I am every year on Christmas day. The other part is anxious to see what he will develop in to.

He is the absolute most precious baby ever! Yes, I (his Dad, and AuntMa) are truly biased, but who can blame us. I know you all were probably worried about us that first month and a half. It's true, I almost swore off ever having children again. I even asked my mother in law, and all of my friends with multiple children, why/how did they ever decide to have more. NOW, I know. Yeah, he makes it so fun and easy and enjoyable. I know that things probably will change and it may not always be this enjoyable, but hey, this is our reality right now.

Amazingly, I am eating my words. Motherhood is the BEST job ever. For that reason I can now see me (the one who always said she would have a job no matter what) being a stay at home mom. My love for work does not compare to my love for taking care of Jeremy. Again, I'm like a whole new person.

It's not completely perfect though. Unfortunately he is now 100% formula fed. Can I just explain how expensive that is becoming. If I could change this, I would. I buy the largest cannister from Sam's Club once every other week. And my coupons have run out. I feel guilty too because I wanted to nurse him until at least 9 months. But his health and blood sugar were of utmost importance. And all of my diapers from the baby shower have run their coarse. So we finally have to come out of pocket for those as well. I mean can we see I need a part time job just to pay for these things. :)! Let's not mention "day care" costs. Well we have it a little easier in this department because my wonderful sister is keeping him on Mondays and Wednesdays. Dad has him the remainder of the week.

I was distraught having to leave him to return to work as well. This was the hardest thing I ever had to do besides put my Mommie in a home and lose her to cancer almost a year later. You think having done that I would be use to it. But no, I am still struggling with being away from him. I have been back to work for 2 weeks and actually started to cry yesterday because I wanted to be home with him. Me, the one who refused to touch a baby wants to hold mine all the time. I tell you, this motherhood thing is crazy.

I worried about being a good mother because of my own past, and now I am amazed at how false my thoughts were. I feel I was born to be his mother. I know, I know, I sound a bit crazy, but I know what the alternative looks like, and trust me this is much better. My love for him is completely normal and healthy. I am 100% realistic where he is concerned. If I weren't I seriously doubt I would be back to work. I would have quit my job and stayed home causing us all to struggle.

I am just openly sharing how motherhood has changed me. This is not the case for every one, but it is my case.

Now, to give some updates.

-My son has decided he wants to be independent, so he tries to hold his bottle and pacifier on his own. Yes, he is only 3 months and some weeks. I know, already too grown.

-He has not yet turned over ( I hear this is a good thing ) but he is certainly trying. Many people have said they think he will skip crawling and will start walking before time.

-He is sleeping thoughout the night (from 10p- 6a or 7a). He actually knows that it is bed time at 10 p. Whether he was just napping before this time or not he is always ready for bed at 10p. I LOVE it, especially now that I am fully focused on my thesis writing.

-He took his first professional pics a week after Christmas. He did such a great job and promptly fell asleep immediately after we finished up.